In All Honesty
Hello, friends! I know it has been a shamefully looooooong while since I have made an appearance here. I am taking advantage of being bed ridden with the winter sickness to stretch out my typing fingers and own up to my absence. Since honesty is the best policy, I will admit that I have been having a rough time dealing with an unexpected adjustment period. The first year of being here in our new home was such a whirlwind of activity and fun and new adventures that I didn't give myself a lot of time to sit down and really worry about much. However, once the major part of the house renovation was (mostly) complete and we began to settle into a steady slower-paced routine, I had time to let my mind wander a little too far down the dark and twisty path.
Do you ever get caught up in your own bullshit...get caught up in an unhealthy cycle with your unkind inner self? I know it can't just be me who does it. It is easy for me - a little too easy - especially when the sky is a chilly wintery grey, and the sales are just not popping in as quickly as one would hope, and the paycheck is way less than half of what I was once used to, it is easy to be more than a little unkind to myself. I become bogged down with the inner turmoil of whether or not I have made the right life decisions, whether or not I should have abruptly quit my career to follow my dreams, whether or not I am good enough to build a handmade business, whether or not I am cut out for small town living....round and round and round until I feel like I might just give up. I unfairly compare my own path to the path of those with a solidly established business and following. I tell myself that I am disappointing so many people with my lack of results, my ultimate failure. I know it is unkind and unfair to myself, yet I get in my own way and I bring myself down - creative blocks, writing blocks, standstill.
Big life changes bring about anxiety, whether you choose to recognize it and face it or not, it is there and it will wait for you until you do decide to face it. It is how you decide to ultimately deal with it that is the key. I like to think that I am good at dealing with anxiety, but I know I tend to put on a strong exterior shell and shove that anxiety aside; a fake-it-til-you-make-it way of going through life. This may be a good way to get through the work day, but it really isn't the best long term solution - it is what ages us and puts wrinkles on the face. I admit that I have been hiding behind this facade for months now, and I must begin to emerge and own up to the anxiety and begin to move forward.
As the ground begins to thaw and the cardinals and robins return to the feeding tree more frequently, I am finding it a little easier to notice how unkind I have been to myself. I remind myself why I made those life changing decisions so many months ago. I remind myself that it takes time to establish a name and create a following. I remind myself that this blog is for me, an account of my path, and I should write about the entire journey. I cannot allow myself to merely disappear and gloss over the uncomfortable parts, only sharing the fun exciting times and projects. I stated at the very beginning of this endeavor that my point here is to share it ALL with anyone willing to take the journey with me. I promise to be better at allowing my weakness to show through, to be better at staying in contact, to try to have the same compassion for myself as I give to others. Easier said than done, though I will continue to work on it.